We all know clipping supermarket coupons is about as chic as a bedazzled fanny pack. Even those ironic hipsters shun double coupon days like an all-ages concert. Then one morning a Groupon appeared in your inbox, instantly upping the status of the lowly coupon forever. The 24-hour buy-in time limit? Enticing! The clever copy? Irresistible! The more than half-off discount? Tantalizing! Your credit card number is defenseless against this deadly deal.
You're not alone. Now 83 million subscribers receive a cornucopia of satiating Groupon deals each and every day to the most urbane establishments in their communities. People blow through group coupons like Kleenexes—wiping up checks with prepaid discounts on dinner dates in Daytona Beach; yoga retreats in Honolulu; teeth whitening treatments in Boston; family photos in Kalamazoo; Segway tours in Seattle; even, uh, laughter therapy sessions in Santa Monica. No joke!
And now? The most opulent offer-you-can't-refuse offer is smack-dab in front of you. Owning a piece of what Forbes deemed "the fastest growing company ever" will be akin to governing a province in the Roman Empire. People on the street? They'll know your name. People in buildings? They'll probably know it, too. C'mon. Make Warren Buffett look like a chump today.
People absolutely love telling you they're running a marathon. Why? Because it makes them appear to be demigods of the athletic world—even if they can barely touch their toes. Go ahead and see if you can touch yours. While you're at it, follow these helpful tidbits that will guarantee similar bragging rights.
- Get your hands on some uber-technical running shoes. You know, the kind that only super-athletes sport. Surely this will intimidate the bejesus out of your competition. Pearl Izumi is Greek to them.
- Begin your training regime by walking to and from the vending machine at work—instead of tasking the lowly intern with that executive-level duty.
- Make a clever sign that incorporates your name with sayings like "Run Like You Stole Something, Jerry!" or "Don't Die, Kathy!" Hire someone to hold it up during the race.
- Wear a sweatband. At all times.